fairest of the seasons - 03-27-03

oh hi. it's been what, a year now? i've updated a couple of times since then, but not much. i was writing entries at this site sporadically as well, but if you've never seen it you're not missing much.

so what have i been doing the past year... i dunno. i've still got the same job. i'm in a nice apartment now, far from crazy roommates and violent crime. i've got wood floors, trees.

i'm still cranky and distracted.

hey, i'm in a band now. that takes up a lot of my time. i started playing with them around the time i stopped writing and i have a vague idea that i've just been channeling my creative energies, or at least my time, there instead of here.

i'm a year older.

i still get at times that awful diving bell feeling when i'm sitting in my office. at these times i imagine laying my head down on my desk and i can almost hear that bell clang against it, my face pressed against the glass. clunk!

i still read a lot. lately it's mirbeau and krafft-ebing and kubler-ross. love the hyphenated names.

i'd tell you the name of the band i'm in but it's a secret! they're younger than me and mild and harmless and have obviously listened to way too much spiritualized and sigur ros, etc. ...but not in a bad way.

i always wondered why musicians seemed like such emotionally-arrested, fucked up people. now i know. it's so consuming!

what else? oh, my mazette. it's funny, i met her through diaryland. i guess she knows ms. hand and came across my site through her favorites list? she emailed me about something or other. i emailed her back about a month later. another month later she emailed me again. another month, another email, and so on. until she happened to come through town on a roadtrip with a friend of hers in july. there was some kissing involved, rather unexpectedly. and then, even more unexpectedly, some pining once she was gone. so we talked and wrote and emailed and decided i should visit los angeles. which i did. we walked around and went to movies and rode trains and fell in love. and kissed some more.

she's luminous and strange and you've never met anyone like her!

we're still in love and still apart. what to do? los angeles is such an improbable place. here is such an improbable place. i guess i'm old enough to know that love doesn't necessarily make you happy. and being in love doesn't necessarily mean you're supposed to be together. doesn't make it any easier though.

we do make each other happy, you know. just not as much as we could if we saw a little more of each other.